Chapter Six: Things Get Messy
It was around our tenth night in Flagstaff when I had a dream about how life looks when it changes. It was a simple dream. I was looking out a window into a dark night when suddenly there was a large explosion. It was massive and debris flew everywhere. I knew it was Steve’s life and everything he had been holding in for a long time. I knew it was my life, too. Stuck things had been released.
Many years ago, I developed an ability that allows me to bring my spirit’s voice through me to give me guidance and love. I call my spirit’s voice, Rojdnan. I rely on the information I receive to give me comfort, strength, and clarity. When I am stumped by life’s situations, I tune in, turn on the switch, and let my spirit speak. With my world exploding, it was finally time to hear from Rojdnan.
After one especially difficult day at the hospital, my mother in law and sister in law gathered with me in our quiet little Taylor house room and I flipped on the Rojdnan switch. I was so emotional I didn’t know if I’d be able to calm down enough to bring that voice through, but within a few seconds my fearful tears vanished and the calm and loving voice of my spirit began to speak. Rojdnan told us Steve wasn’t going anywhere. He never intended to leave us. He was simply recreating himself and this creative process was going to look very messy at times. So, when things began to look the messiest, and they would, just remember that Steve was at work on a deep level redesigning his life and he would emerge fully reborn. The information was timely. An explosion of creativity was about to occur.
It quietly occurred to me one day that when the nurses move someone’s bed closer to the nurses station, and not stuck in a back corner room, it is because things have just gotten messier. I learned this little fact the hard way.
I arrived at the hospital early one morning by myself and as I was about to enter my husband’s newly assigned room, Dr. Murphy, the doctor on duty that day, met me outside his room. He wasted no time in telling me that Steve was teetering on the brink that day and he didn’t know which way he was going to choose. It could go either way, he said, as compassionately as he could. As he finished telling me this, I looked up to see the hospital chaplain coming toward me. As I absorbed Dr. Murphy’s information, time began to twist itself into slow motion and it slowly began to dawn on me that the chaplain had been called for my benefit. They had been waiting for me to arrive.
As she made her way to me, I panicked. I did not want to see her, or talk to her, or to be in the same room with her! This was a bad dream being played out like some sad movie. I didn’t want to play the part of soon to be widow. She asked me if she could pray with me and I remember just shaking my head yes. If that would please her, then I would do it, but I hadn’t prayed a religious prayer in years. It all seemed so surreal. I was shaking when she walked away. I’m sure she sensed my upset and state of denial. I was shaking from anger, confusion, and fear. How could this be happening? After all the love we had been giving him, after all the hope we had had?! Was this the messy part of creation my spirit had been talking about? My head was spinning too much to know anything any more. The day would prove to be messy, that night would be the messiest night of all.