The last few years of my life have been undefined. At least I feel that way. When people ask me what I’ve been up to lately, it’s hard to say exactly what I’ve been doing. I seem to stay busy doing things around my house, cleaning, cooking, shopping for groceries, paying the bills, keeping our puppy happy and fed. The usual everyday stuff. Nothing spectacular or earth changing it seems.
I remember when this shift occurred in my life. I was busy doing phone sessions with clients. My days and weeks were filled with phone calls or in person sessions with people visiting our area and looking for a good intuitive. I was happy. It was my chosen career and I felt it brought meaning into my life. I had been doing these sessions for years and I felt great fulfillment from it. I had become quite connected to my spirit during this time. I felt I was learning so much about myself through my sessions with others and it was gratifying. I was defined. I had a purpose and my life had meaning. I had found my life’s calling. Until, gradually, over time, I began to feel a deeper pull; a pull that needed more time with me and less time assisting others. I resisted this pull for a while, afraid to let go of my comfortable, well defined world. I knew that if I let go of that identity I might enter into the abyss of the unknown, the undefined, and ultimately the loss of who I thought I was. I held onto my identity for as long as I could until one day I just didn’t want to hear the phone ring any more or answer another question from someone seeking some clarity. I finally HAD to let go, and so I did. That’s when I began to float.
I was very uncomfortable with floating. I didn’t know how to explain this new way of living to anyone; especially ME. I no longer had an anchor into a world that explains itself through what we DO for a living. I had released myself from that job title. I no longer felt my life’s purpose. I would often ask my spirit, “I know I am surrendering, but isn’t there anything I can DO?” The answer was always, no, be still and just BE. It was a very uncomfortable place to stay, this place of not knowing, not creating, or not holding onto something solid. It took a few years to not feel the guilt I felt for not being productive in a world of fast moving, fast creating people. It was also difficult to describe this state of being to people when I would first meet them. The number one question people ask, after they know your name, is “what do you do?” I struggled to answer this question because I really didn’t know. I didn’t seem to do much according to the standards of our society. Keeping a clean and organized household was not what they were wanting to hear. They wanted to hear about my chosen career, and I no longer had one. At least, that’s the way it appeared.
After a few years, I finally found my rhythm with floating. After struggling with trying to create purpose in my every day tasks, I finally had begun to relax and I began to truly enjoy the freedom this kind of life offered. I poured myself into my daily tasks and began to find comfort in the simplicity of the unfolding day. This worked for me. I now felt content knowing my daily efforts brought great comfort to my husband and made his life more balanced. I also began to notice how much I felt more aware of ME, my true nature, my natural flow with things. I saw more gentleness in me and more compassion. I had been this way with others, but now I was beginning to see it with me. That was important. This awareness was helping me relax more. I was becoming more intrigued with my authentic way of living with me. I wasn’t focused on others’ lives and how I could help THEM. I was now seeing only me everyday. It had been a long time since I had spent a lot of time with ME, and I was beginning to like what I was feeling. Beyond all the big activity of my life, there was an inner core of softness that I could now feel. I was beginning to recognize that this softness was my driving force; my creator, and the fluid that I was floating in. I was beginning to connect.
I’ve been floating for quite a few years now and I’ve passed through many different phases of this surrendered state. First, there were the feelings of guilt, those lasted for quite a while. Then, there were the upset people who just wanted me to get a job. Mostly these were women who didn’t want me to be a stay at home wife. They wanted me to be empowered with a career. That was always difficult for me to encounter. I knew it was my own scared little voice wanting me to go back to an old and safe identity. Then, and this was the most unsettling for me; feeling like I didn’t know ME any more; who I was and where I truly belonged. And, finally, after years of commitment to this place of simply being without the need to DO SOMETHING, there has been the feeling of relief and knowing that I don’t HAVE to know who I am. I can now go beyond that box and truly expand into a more open, loving, and compassionate place that exists beyond an identified, explainable self. I like this phase. I’m hoping it continues.
Floating is still a process for me. A much easier process, but still a process. There are still times I look for a life line and try to pull myself to the assumed safety of the shore. Sometimes, and these times are rare, I feel like I want to have a title again, a way to describe me that would make others relax and me feel connected to a big life purpose again. But, when I look at how my heart has expanded itself for me, my consciousness has become more pliable with an ability to see beyond the smaller picture, and my friends and family love my availability because I AM more available, then I LOVE the connections this floating has created and I am becoming more relaxed with this soft place where my heart wants my life to reside that is beyond explanation and conformity. It’s a great place to BE. Maybe not an easy place to explain to someone, but a great place to show them the benefits of letting go of an identifiable world and gently live in the mystery and creativity of floating.